Much to learn

When I look up, I can see the dust storm is slightly easing.

The weeks have smudged into a month and my old things are slowly being unpacked around me, having arrived in good time.

I still feel like I am sleep-walking, and am completely detached from reality, but no longer feel quite so blue all the time.

We have replaced the dead computer and I am getting my head around a newer, more unfriendly model which doesn't make much sense, but if I keep plugging away, perhaps I will be able to get back to blogging.

My own voice is loud in my head, mostly internal conversations with God about the meaning of things and the endless mirror of shifting perspectives, responsibilities and expectations. The effect of this transition mentally and emotionally is staggering - I am pleased that it was a surprise or more unwilling would my feet have been to step out.

Where are we going? I ask frequently, to the Big Sounding Board that now feels completely void in the face of my discomfort. It has been a shock to feel the impact of the dislocation, perhaps because it is hitting an old injury. But I am facing a reluctant truth that faith doesn't exclude me from feeling cold, and out in the dark. I am appalled at my desperate need to find comfort in order to feel grace. It is an irksome unveiling of self that reveals the shallowness of my nature and how much I poorly proportion my belief to my levels of awareness.

Because God is out of time, and I am in ensconced within it, I have no choice but to shelve my observations (which must be irritatingly narcissistic, my apologies) and place a net of hope back where there used to be a cushy wall of resplendent faith.

My small people however, are blossoming despite the odd bad day/moment/frequent parental failure. For that I am grateful. We do have a hunched up tween, sobbing into her pillow with homesickness and sheer sibling frustration. We have a confused pre-schooler who thinks Sentosa Island (a ten minute drive away) is in Auckland, NZ and who just cannot conform her thinking to involve potty training. And there is a nearly 9 year old whose established picky-eating habits have nose-dived into a sub-category of near starvation. However, not counting those perfectly natural tendencies, things are ticking into a kind of hobbling routine.

The more I come to know about life, the more I realise how very much more I don't know. The secret might be harvesting a shred of acceptance in the knowing that the knowing will never be complete.

Cat  – (August 30, 2010 at 3:48 AM)  

I love your words Amy.
Life is such a journey and you are so right....God is above all the restrictions we naturally surround ourselves with
Sometimes a sprout of faith must be grown out of the most barren of waste lands...which can feel impossible..but those are only feelings that cause us to make God smaller....
Peace, Love and Light be with you during this time of transition

ps I do not find your words narcissistic....I find they reflect what real life sometimes hands us

Cassandra Frear  – (August 30, 2010 at 5:16 AM)  

Beautiful writing and pictures as always. I visit here as a treat to myself.

You've had so much stress. You probably just need some time.

From one sojourner to another: hugs.

Anonymous –   – (August 30, 2010 at 7:39 AM)  

Top site, I hadn't come across earlier during my searches!
Continue the great work!

PaisleyJade  – (August 30, 2010 at 8:57 AM)  

Wow - can't imagine what it must be like. Hang in there - hope and light will blossom I am sure.

Simoney  – (August 30, 2010 at 9:35 AM)  

Amy, your pictures are so other-worldy! They have such an exotic flavour, even though the cubjects (your beautiful girls) are the same as back here... I LOVE that one of Mishal at the top. And the hand on the wall.
I am hearing ya, and feeling ya.
You are a gifted photogrpaher/blogger/artist/poet/writer and MOTHER.

Gail  – (August 30, 2010 at 10:12 AM)  

Wow Ames, is God doing something powerful or what? I love that revelation of Him being without time - how true is it that we need that sense of time and order, almost to the point that it's all we see - when, what, how - WHEN..... yet He is just being.

Do you feel as though you are being stripped back? Perhaps the layers He clothes you with will be better fitting....and more comfortable, even though they seem the wrong size/colour/shape at the moment.

Your girls are so beautiful. Keep taking those photos.... the camera LOVES them!

Ok my dear.... waffled on enough. My laptop is packing a sad at the moment, so I am using a keyboard hooked up to the plasma.... it's awkard typing! The plasma is 42" the key board is smaller than an Ipad. Fun!!!

Sarah (Chez Lee)  – (August 30, 2010 at 11:32 AM)  

Wow! The story you tell with your photographs is absolutely incredible and so powerful - especially like the hand on window, reflection, as in prayer.

Wishing you all the very, very best in settling into life in Singapore. It must be so hard, but hopefully in time you'll all find your feet and step, by step life will get easier :)

Best wishes, Sarah

P.S. Dropping in via KMB. You are so talented!

Sj  – (August 30, 2010 at 11:07 PM)  

Hey my precious one.
Been sad for you with all the recent happenings, so glad to hear that you are walking through, little by little. Thanks again for sharing. Been praying for colour to light your way and for a deeper faith even when you can't see stuff happening. A deeper trust in our ever-present God.
You are a wonderful mummy, hoping that you can be encouraged in that part of your life too,
Love you Amy. loads.

Deidra  – (August 31, 2010 at 9:01 AM)  

Such beauty here.

There is something to be said for the going through.

I'm so glad you shared this story - right from where you are,
and not looking over your shoulder
at something that once was.

The going through is important, too.

Morning T  – (September 2, 2010 at 5:03 AM)  

Your writing and your images are both amazing Amy. I'll have to get up to speed on how and why you are where you are.
Thanks for visiting me so that I've now found you.

p –   – (September 4, 2010 at 10:51 AM)  

like the new banner and everything it implies, funny as I was just reading a blog the other day called creating my reality and she explained how its about her intentionally creating her world around her and then I hopped on and saw your new one, love it.

ps, also recognised your friend simoney in parenting mag


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