easily broken

076

My oldest daughter tripped and fell while we were out walking last night, grazing and bruising herself quite significantly.  She hobbled home with tears in her eyes and once we were back, I bathed her wounds, washing out the dirt and gravel.  Today she was sore and stiff, but still had to get dressed and go off to school.

When she first fell, she sat stunned and still.  Once she began to move again, the pain hit her and has kept on reminding her to protect and favour those bruised places.

I tripped up a while back too.  Only it was on the inside.

Since arriving in Singapore, I have held my breath, sitting very still and trying not to jolt the bruises, but today I stretched out and did something from an old life.   

And it really hurts to move again.

My baby girl and I went to playgroup together.  Played like monkeys on the climbing equipment.  Had a coffee in the cafe by ourselves and then we left when I knew I could no longer hold in the emotion.  Ignored by every other mother there, who turned their backs to us as we walked in, and completely unsure of where to go or what to do, I just kept walking.

And each step screamed at me. 

It’s hard to explain the crawling unease at the cold shoulders of others.  I could feel the sensation multiplying as I became aware of standing out by being a loner, by not fitting in, by not having a chair to sit on in the playgroup room of the association we have joined. 

Of being an outsider.

And I knew it would be like this.  Like when you trip over on rough tarmac, you know it is going to hurt to walk home and for a while to come.  It is normal and icky and just a part of re-settling.

But it took me back to ancient cracks in the walls of my heart, places I found myself wanting to run to and hide in.  Of feeling my cheeks flame at the rebuff.  Of solitude being the warmest welcome on this earth.  Of wanting to shut a door and cement it closed so that no-one can ever inflict rejection this way again.  It became the tipping point where the immensity of the last few months came crashing around me.

I don’t need pity or encouragement.  I know this will pass and one day I will read this and smile at the memory.  But in the meantime, this is just me washing the gravel from where the broken road hit my knees. It is just a part of the journey. 

And it’s sharing my reality from this place on my knees.  It isn’t all about walking tall and sweetness and light.  Haven-space is most definitely where I surrender my soul to gratitude and sometimes this can look nothing but rosy.  But it is not my style to hide the gritty places of where I grow from.  The place grace has to find me is  messy and sorrow filled and is where small things trip me up.  Ever noticed that?  Sometimes you can’t even see what made you trip up.

 

Old wounds sometimes heal slow, rejection especially.  But a by-product of suffering is compassion and if I am not so up myself that I don’t drown in my own tears first, I will have plenty in-store for others.

Say hello to someone who looks new and lost in your world today.  You just never know. 

Leonie  – (August 13, 2010 at 6:53 PM)  

Reading your post has brought tears to my eyes. I can recognise the pain and hurt. I experienced very similar when we moved to Australia over and over and what stands out the most was sitting at my sons learning celebration with tears streaming down my face after we were openly shunned by the other mothers.
It hurts, because you know you are worth getting to know but it also makes you stronger and more aware of not treating other people that way. Well done for being so brave and for taking the risk of going out there and making yourself vunerable. *hugs*

Dawn  – (August 14, 2010 at 1:02 AM)  

Been there and felt that - only you wrote about it much more eloquently than I thought about it at the time. Hugs to you from across the blogosphere. xx

RockWallaby  – (August 14, 2010 at 2:23 AM)  

You'll be fine Amy.
You were there, and you'll be there again next time.
It's their loss for not acknowledging your presence.
Fiona.

Cat  – (August 14, 2010 at 5:55 AM)  

I will do just that Amy
thanks for the guidance....blessings to you
love and light

Sj  – (August 14, 2010 at 9:57 AM)  

Hey precious one.
I love it that you won't give up and that you understand some of what you are going through and the pain that it holds. Praying for grace to do what you need too for you and your family and praying that i don't fly over and kick the play-groups butt!
Love you Amy Amy, you are precious and loved.

Widge  – (August 14, 2010 at 11:53 AM)  

As I was reading this I was thinking of women who have come into my life at times that I feel is just too much of an effort to try to relate too because of culture and language barriers and ultimately my own inadequacies and ignorance.
I will remember this post Amy. thankyou.
Love and big kiwi hugs
xo

Gail  – (August 14, 2010 at 9:11 PM)  

Hey sweets, I've read this post like 5 times ..... and each time I am both annoyed (at the snobbery) and inspired at your "keep calm and carry on" stand... (even if the calm is external looking).

It will pass.As you've said, you KNOW it will pass.
Just wish I could come and make some waves in the playgroup with you!!

AND - YES, I will remember this whenever I see someone looking a little unsure, a little new and lost. Your compassion has already developed, overflowing and now spreading - internationally!!

Love to you!

Simoney  – (August 16, 2010 at 2:57 PM)  

Amy my lovely friend; I missed you so much last week I shed some tears. I know. Random huh?? You are so precious and valuable and wonderful - WE HERE know how much. Those people there have yet to discover what we wish we could scream at them! TALK TO HER! HUG HER! HAVE COFFEE WITH HER!! You will not be sorry you snobby gits!!
Oops did I say that???

Ah, you know me, love ya to bits. Hug hug.
xx

Penny –   – (August 16, 2010 at 7:39 PM)  

seriously, what is it with us women sometimes???? Its crazy as we all need companionship so much and then stuff like this happens, hopefully it won't take long. I agree with the other comments, it is hard when you know that you are worth knowing and have so much to offer each of them. I had similiar experience the other week with kindy mums (sigh), Its kind of sad when we see our daughters saying "why won't they be friends with me" and we know on the inside that they will prob be asking that question all their lives in certain times....." grrrr hold your head up high, know you can do this and you are most definitely worth knowing.

count it all joy  – (August 17, 2010 at 11:26 PM)  

Hang in there beautiful girl. Everything's hard before it becomes easy....especially with friendships. It's okay to get gravel in your knee occasionally - just try not to pick at the scabs. Meredy xo.

Morning T  – (September 2, 2010 at 5:09 AM)  

Your words just suck me into your lovely little corner of the blog world. I have always felt like an outsider but now that I have my little girl I have to force myself to get out there and join in the 'fun' for her sake. As awkard as it feels, I feel a bit stronger after each time I push myself into that zone.

I'm off to read more....
Hugs~
T

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