Breathe for Me

The big hands that cradle the universe, also hold me.

The artist who birthed starlight and kissed breath into an embryo of red earth, sings over me.

Despite knowing this, instead I try to hang the stars in the corners of my own dreams.
I try to cradle the future in my own mortal hands and blow earnestly onto tiny embers of hope and promise.

I am challenged this very day to face the true nature of my trust.
I have discovered it is reluctant to stretch beyond the boundaries of my sensibilities.
It is too weak to scale higher than the walls of my experience. Unconvinced and shaky in the dark, it is pressed in and hungers for dawn.

I value these moments though, like a splash of freezing water thrown at my face, in the breathless instant following, He breathes for me.

As I prepare for an upcoming surgery in 10 days time, I have found myself gasping for more faith-air. Although I know that this hysterectomy will in essence be giving me life and releasing me from the grip of anaemia, it also takes away my ability to nurture life within me. Although we agreed our family was complete, it is a part of my dna to be a mother and saying no to more babies is like choosing to lose a leg.

I look deeper at this murky place in me, full of contrasting emotions, rippled by the effects of being perpetually exhausted. The grief of knowing I will never bear a son breaks the surface and I spend a day with tears streaming in the ridiculous process of facing this truth. Another day passes and I plan menus for my convalescence and pride squeezes as I practice saying yes to the help of others. I lie at night and prepare myself for the pain, scribble forgotten things to buy onto my list and swim sleeplessly through the unknown.

The analytical part of my nature wants to know if I'll still be the same afterwards. The science of risk and medical percentiles chase each other as I weigh up the choices I have.

Bleakly, I feel around in the chaos for the peace.

And when I find it, I am reminded of Jonathon sneaking away with his armour bearer into the camp of impossible odds. Reminded of just how many armies of angels fight on my behalf.

And whose blood ran red for me.

And which artist signs His name in the night sky and cups the world of my whole existence.

And I can breathe again.

Simoney  – (April 23, 2010 at 4:03 PM)  

Oh Amy. This is a beautiful post. You have a poets soul. I have nothing else to say except, I love you a lot.

PaisleyJade  – (April 23, 2010 at 4:31 PM)  

So beautifully written - thinking of you as you walk this road.

Sj  – (April 23, 2010 at 10:31 PM)  

thanks for sharing your heart-stuff.
Your date has been in my mental calendar, i've been aware the time is ticking closer for you. Praying for you Amy, love u precious one.

Sammy  – (April 24, 2010 at 7:46 AM)  

Oh Amy, I totally get you.
I have been this place so many times. Am I still a complete woman even though I am barren? Can I still be a mother without making a baby?
When God answers the cry of your heart and you realise that you are totally and utterly complete as you ARE is so freeing. To truly know that you are all woman, aside from your reproductive system (!, brings you to a new level of femininity. I can't wait to see you blossom!
I will be praying for a speedy recovery xxxx

sarah  – (April 24, 2010 at 8:41 AM)  

I'm sorry for your loss :-( I pray you get what you need from this experience. ((hugs))

Penny  – (April 24, 2010 at 12:48 PM)  

Hey Amy, will be praying for you x

Kathleen  – (April 24, 2010 at 5:28 PM)  

A different and unknown trail; this is the fourth time today I've read something about 'Breathe'. It is a common thread weaving us together.
Prayers from across the ocean.

Erin  – (April 25, 2010 at 4:10 PM)  

I had no idea, Amy.
You are so dear to me.
I will be praying for your heart to feel full while your body goes through an emptying.

Cat  – (April 27, 2010 at 2:55 PM)  

I love the way you use your words Amy
Thank God for all His power and grace.
God has been already using this for His glory.
A friend sent this to me this past week...thought I would forward it to you

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isa 42:1-3

much love light and prayers for you from across the seas

alicia  – (April 27, 2010 at 2:55 PM)  

Wow. What beautiful words, almost poetic. It should be published. I'm sorry they are such sad words and I will be thinking of you.

Kristina  – (April 28, 2010 at 12:20 PM)  

What an amazingly inspiring and thought-provoking post. Thank you, for that. I will be praying for you in the coming weeks.

Cat  – (April 28, 2010 at 2:39 PM)  

ps congrates on winning the water challenge!

Sailor and Co  – (April 29, 2010 at 4:40 PM)  

You have NO idea how much that touched my soul. Speechless.

Sailor and Co  – (April 29, 2010 at 5:04 PM)  

I just linked to you, hope you don't mind.

My Heart  – (April 29, 2010 at 5:41 PM)  

Wow! Followed you through Sailor and Co's link! You spoke to me through this post as well. Thank you! I wish you wellness and peace on this journey and pray for strength and shalom to flood your soul and your spirit.

Kristi J  – (April 30, 2010 at 2:09 AM)  

I too came over from Sailor & Co. I agree with a comment above; your words are truly poetic and lovely. Wishing you well and praying that you feel peace from Heaven above.

Lisa  – (April 30, 2010 at 2:52 AM)  

Oh Amy, my prayers are with you.

Awhile ago (as I was struggling with secondary infertility) the Lord encouraged me by letting me see that I could be "fruitful in barren-ness." That birthing babies is not the only way that He uses me to bring forth life. If I never had another child, He would continue to make me "fruitful and multiply" through the spiritual fruit that brings life to those around me. Even now, I can see that He is doing that through you...breathing new life into weary souls and using your post to renew hope. I pray that it encourages you too, and lessens the pain just a bit.

Thank you for your openness and beautiful expression of relying on our Breath-Giver.

Joyeful  – (May 31, 2010 at 2:53 AM)  

This was absolutely beautiful! The pictures you painted of the love of our Father are just breathtaking. Thank you so much for these soul words! My heart and prayers go out to you!!!!

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