Follow You

I need to flow again. But there has been no time alone, no opportunity to reach into that warm dark place that swirls with un-born words. And the absence of writing time means the well in me fills higher and higher with sludge. Every song, conversation and movie, every disappointment, worry and joy adds to the mix and without expressing, I become jammed.

Too many days of being compacted, and a problem occurs. I stare at the new post screen, dry of expression and my fingers hover without direction. I lose the stream. I get lost, blind and unable to feel my way out on the letters that put flight to my expression.

Simply put, the last few weeks have been a challenge and yet hold the markings of great growth.

Health-wise: things are difficult to manage. I simply cannot function like a normal person. Walking a short distance makes my pulse pound and nausea and dizziness surge up. I have to rest several times in the day, lying down, arms and legs feeling weighted by lead. Saying no to things is a constant exhaustion of its own, for the guilt that tends to follow. Most people are unaware of how things are, I do not like to appear weak! Too much pride. If I am careful, then I can meter out my energy measure to get me through the needs of my week. My doctor and I are working carefully to try to treat the condition, working out which hormones to supplement, which injections, which surgery. It is not serious, but it is distracting to say the least, and influences where I go, what I do, which me I choose to be.

Inspite of, or perhaps ideally, doors have opened for me at the very moment I feel least equipped to go through them. Suddenly, quickly, I have been caught up in the unfolding of a dream of mine for many, many years. Without warning. Without any of my previous fallback of time and strength. At the peak of the time I feel most vulnerable and bewildered at my fragility, I am in a position of being a bridge to others. Despite a lack of professional training and a lack of free time, I am practicing in the area of emotional health. People with broken places are knocking on my front door and meeting with the only Great Counsellor there is, witnessed by me.
I am confounded by this. Nothing makes sense. My body feels wooden and exhausted. My brain like sludge, and yet they come. And we sit or kneel, a team of us who feel this call to the marrow of our beings and acknowledge the presence of El Roi, El Shaddai, Immanuel. We draw our Godspaces. We learn, plan and share. And thus equipped, we turn outward again, to the broken.

And I feel more alive than I have ever felt before.

And I feel barely alive, like never before.

It is a miraculous tension, my inadequacy meeting my desire to be used. The call has become a magnetic force, to walk in the opposite direction would be impossible. I hear the words to the song that says it all, and my knees buckle with recognition, and before I know it, my cheeks are wet with tears. Not for me. For them. For the ones that come and lay broken, shattered hearts out. And the King comes, simple and faithful to the end of time. A balm of healing oil pools around them and I watch in wonder as the Restorer sees them.

And then, humbly I return to sit, mute with frustration at my heavy, reluctant limbs and realise the truth of this life we breathe in and out. How frail we are, but how mighty. For He lives, exists and soars in us, but not for anything we have done. For who He is. Because He is.

Sj  – (February 28, 2010 at 7:53 PM)  

My precious friend, I am moved so much by what you write. Again. What you are experiencing is incredible, hard yet miraculous. Thank you for sharing. It is inspiration. It is encouragement. I am rejoicing with you in the joy i hear you talk of and am also remembering you in the pain you talk of. Love you Amy. Thank you for sharing.

Chava  – (March 1, 2010 at 12:14 PM)  

I can definitely relate to what you're writing. So sorry you're having a hard time right now. I hope you find some time out for the inspiration you desire.

Simoney  – (March 2, 2010 at 7:44 PM)  

Fially got a moment to si and read your post uninterrupted... My heart aches in response to your struggles. If you need a friend, a shoulder, a coffee, a walk... please don't hesitate to call on me. xx

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