Weight of Time

Waiting to call. Each minute stretches into the fluid tension of a wave drawing back for the pounding collapse of itself. Regardless of whether it crashes me into grief or relief, I am pulled tighter and tighter into the stretch; the wait.

Eyeing the mute handset, watching the minuscule crawl of the second hand, each eclipse of the clock face ratchets me up another notch of tension. My stomach twists upon itself, my lungs suck air greedily and my thoughts race the double track of trust and speculation.

I lurch for the phone, unable to withhold a moment longer. The line gobbles up the string of numbers and for a sickening second is silent. Then it beeps in my ear, busy. The wall of water in me pulls back further. I keep thinking of an arrow being drawn backwards in the bow. Line up the arrow, pull back hard. Make the string a thread of steel. Hold steady.

Hold steady.

Hold steady.

This time it rings. No results yet. Try tomorrow. My breath sinks to a new basement. The voice on the other end senses the beats that thicken with my silence. She offers to ring the lab to chase the results. I lay down the telephone with shaking hand.

Caught on the barbs of the fence, unsure which side I am going to be dropped on when the wave finally breaks, I try to experiment with my reaction either way and end up dizzy.

Stumbling, I fall into the surrendered conclusion that my child's lab results are not going to land me on one side or the other of a barbed wire fence. My attitude determines the landing place for my heart, the results are not relevant to the waiting. There is nothing to wait for - I already know beyond mere words that God is sovereign. He has already won despite my circumstances. Who I am, the journey we are on and how worthy He is are already accomplished.
Pull me back in the bow of your arm God. Despite the wait; the weight. I want to fly true.

Gail  – (August 5, 2009 at 9:41 AM)  

You have both a gift with words and photography Amy. Praying those results will come back to you soon, so that you can move forward!

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