To Blossom

My words seem a bit stuck at the moment. Sometimes my voice loses the knack of giving song to my thoughts and they remain a muddled medley in my head. But in the interests of allowing a melody to emerge, I will try to divulge some of the score. So, as you can see from my word of the year button, the hot topic is establish.

The dictionary defines this as "to install or settle in a position, place; to show to be valid or true; prove: to establish the facts of the matter; to cause to be accepted or recognized; to bring about permanently: to establish order."

It has become clear to me that in order to move forwards I need to move back a little bit; to clear the clutter and debris that formed the routine and pattern of the old life. To get to know myself better in a new place at a new time and to listen to the silence around me before I fill it up with replacement noise.
The first thing I notice in the change, is how long things take. How much time has to pass before the focus sharpens and perspective begins to fall into place. I survived for weeks on grey fuzzy nothingness, intact but slightly grieving my old identity and completely perplexed on the shape of my new one.

The second biggie for me was that establishing yourself has to happen in all three dimensions of humanity for it to get traction.
Mentally I am not zinging but capable more and more of clear thought thanks partly to the commitment I made to the physical side of things.
My physical fitness has always been for me an enormous obstacle. I have taken this right back to square one and am re-learning about how to gain confidence with moving my body. The shame and unreality of moving at any pace faster than a walk has had to take a back seat as I grapple with a new discipline and rhythm. This involves the rather humiliating experience of nailing myself to a programme of torture at the local gym. More on this perhaps in the future as my courage increases.
The spiritual slice of the pie has to be nurtured and considered with care and I have released myself from any should-be's or could-be's and have rather taken the opportunity to give my heart space for the illumination of the truth. Actually through out this entire journey, of leaving and forging a path for the first time as a married couple on our own, the spiritual side is what has kept my chin up and my feet firm. Yes the facts and circumstances were hard to endure at times, however, they did not destroy me and there was HOPE perched underneath it all, chirping away merrily. For this incredible sustaining power I am so grateful.

I was genuinely terrified with the unknown obstacles of our future - I set myself up for disappointment, but like stumbling across an oasis, realising that the reality of our present is more lovely and delightful than the past, has been a surprise. I prepared my heart for drought and longing and missing. Instead (completely un-coached by me) it has blossomed and the space I live in now is much more free than the confines of the past (confines I didn't realise even existed).
My days are still filled with birdsong. There are hundreds of calling birds in the towering trees surrounding our home (yes, God heard my prayer on the tree front) and in particular, there are wild doves that cookoorooo in their own unique soft way. This sounds transports me to my Zimbabwean childhood and brings comforting contentment.
The summer has filled the days with brilliant rays of sunshine, warming me to the tips of my toes. I have such a peaceful enviroment to paint or write in and when Mishal is tucked up in her whitewashed wooden cot, under her favourite gray knitted blanket, I sneak off to my studio and give permission to my creativity to appear. This is taking quite some time. It has become rather shy. In the places where it doesn't instantly surge forth, I sit in my apple green armchair, with my laptop and quietly browse sites of refreshment and inspiration.
The girls are responding better in their behaviour to my change in attitude after reading Boundaries With Kids and I am learning to think before I speak when parenting them.
Some excellent teaching has also been instrumental in altering my perspective and although this would be impossible to summarise it involves key words for me such as: Yes, enthusiasm, follow through, position, and portal.
Being a wife and mother is certainly a challenge but for the first time ever, I am in the position now where I can see how to put in place the essential practice of establishing my roots as an individual first. The rest of the plant grows properly after that and its colour, strength and size can only go as far as the roots allow it to. For the kind of dreams I have, those foundations are going to need to be pretty deep and steady! Establishment = preparation to blossom.

Dawn  – (March 2, 2009 at 5:40 PM)  

Sounds like you are in a good place Amy!! Your creativity and ability to make things beautiful - words, photos, home - comes through here on your blog, I only wish I knew you in person. You often say, far more eloquently than I ever could, exactly how I feel. Blessings to all of you!!

Simoney  – (March 4, 2009 at 10:26 AM)  

Hi Amy, WOW I didn't realise you were a BLOGGER! I am very excitied about that! I LOVE your photographs, you are so gifted. Love the blog. Would also love to do lunch??? :) luv from Simone :)

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